My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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