six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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