never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
