how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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