I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
