Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
