Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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