What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
