people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
