Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
