I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
