U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My liver just broke up with me...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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