it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
