If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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