you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
