She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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