rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
