She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
two words...techno handjob
he quoted the bible to break up with me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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