I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
