The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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