I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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