Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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