I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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