It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize