just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
