maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
