Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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