for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
