I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
