My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
