I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
