did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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