so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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