I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
