I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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