The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
