There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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