I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
