you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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