The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
