I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
