you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
