who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
