And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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