everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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