Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We're using joints as your birthday candles
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
