So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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