Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
