yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Pants are for mortals
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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