I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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