i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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