is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
