I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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