I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
